As I write this, I'm sitting in my campus Starbucks with my earbuds in. I got here early, so I snagged the corner table (giving me ample space to people watch and "study"). I got up at about 6:30 this morning, with the thought of working out, but that was raincheck'd to this evening on account of my workout partner/wife Rachel not being able to sleep. So, instead of rolling over and going back to bed, I stayed up, made breakfast, coffee, painted the nails on my other hand, got my things together, and trekked across campus to Starbucks.
Three months ago this would have been an impossible task. Why?
I never really talked about my struggles on my blog (I struggled to even tell my parents-- hi mom!) but in the process of recovery I've discovered that the best policy is to be open. A lot of people feel uncomfortable talking about mental illness, and its prevalence on college campuses (hubs of anxiety) is often overlooked by many. It was overlooked by me, too.
My struggles started freshman year, spring semester. All the excitement and hope I rolled into college with seemed to disappear. At the same time, every misstep or mistake seemed amplified in an auditorium of anxiety. It was if life had been covered by a foggy veil with sharp edges. I didn't want to get out of bed. I never wanted to kill myself, but I simply wish I'd never existed. It was a very dark time for me. That was my first tango with medication and therapy-- I tried one medication over spring break and reacted so poorly to it that I swore I'd never try again, and that I could handle all my problems by myself. I didn't like my therapist, so I didn't go back to therapy. No one ever talks about therapy, so I'm going to tell you a "secret": it's okay to go through many therapists until you find one you like. My first therapist wanted to delve into my childhood to find the root of my issues, while I wanted to take steps to handle my anxiety that made every day life hard.
I had bursts of energy that made me feel like I was getting better. I'm not depressed, I told myself. I'm just a girl struggling in college! That summer I spent in Florida, and things seemed to be getting better. Fall semester, things weren't so bad, but as Spring semester came around again...
Bam. It hits you, but instead of feeling like a punch, it feels like being smothered by tons of something soft. Like cotton. Tons of cottons smothering you. I remember telling a friend that I didn't want to be depressed. No one wants to. You hear the ads on the radio for medicine proven to help those who feel "the blues." Depression isn't the blues, it's not overwhelming sadness. It's nothing. It's a void of emotion. And for me, depression was always feeling tired, like every conversation was a forced act. It felt very fake, and it was very frustrating. For that semester I avoided the solutions I tried previously and roughed it. I wouldn't recommend it.
This past fall semester (2015), I felt things get better at the beginning of the semester. But from there, it was a steady track downwards that I only noticed after the semester ended. After a crescendo of emotional warfare at the end of the semester, I put my foot down: I had a problem. I needed a solution. I can't be 100% Mackenzie until I face the truth.
That's when I went back to therapy, and opened up. I went to my family practitioner and told her I was ready to try medication again. It was a very emotional few weeks.
My medication doesn't make me happy. That's not the point. I told my current therapist (her name is Carolyn and she's the physical embodiment of a warm cup of tea on a cold day) that I could get up in the morning. I cleaned when things got messy. I wasn't always just tired. She told me that was living. Living normally is easier. And that's exactly what I feel: normal.
I've never been so happy to be normal in my life.
I still drink too much coffee, I still procrastinate, I still forget everything I don't write down, but that's normal for me. The change is that I'm not perpetually tired. I'm rethinking my goals and trying to not make big plans in the heat of the moment, but rather lay the groundwork for my future. I'm thinking about things I struggle with and working towards realistic solutions; I truly feel like a budding manager. How can I manage others when I can't manage myself?
It's been a very interesting journey, and a journey that I want to be open about. No one should struggle with mental illness alone! Reach out, speak up, even if it's just a whisper. Treat it like a physical wound-- it needs love and care! You wouldn't walk on a broken leg, would you?
Anyway. Enough about that. I have more big news!
I'm not going to Pilsen anymore! Yeah, I know, I've been talking about it for months. It was a tough decision.
I'm going to be spending Fall semester (September to December) in China, so I'm taking my last free summer as a student to chill out in preparation for months abroad. That means I'll probably be bouncing in between Tennessee and Florida! I'm very excited.
After that, I'll be coming back to the good ol' UoMemphis to graduate in the Spring of 2017. And then I'll be.... graduated. Ugh. Such a scary, exciting thing! Woo!!
Classes are going really great here, as well. I like all of them and find them all very interesting. I'm taking Chinese, Japanese, Game Theory and Strategic Analysis, and a thematic studies course on Chinese demographics and geography! AHHH SO EXCITING!
I'm also trying to start reading a lot more-- if you have any recommendations, please pass them on to me! Movie suggestions, TV shows... I have FREE TIME now! It's amazing-- is this what being a freshman is like??
Anyway, here are a handful of pictures!
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| A visit to Knoxville yielded some great views: this is the view of the University of Tennessee at Knoxville campus from the World Fair Sunsphere. Apparently there's a restaurant housed a few floors up as well! |
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| Another very fun part of Knoxville-- the art museum conveniently located right next to the Sunsphere! |
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| And who else would I run into?? While at Kroger for groceries (we made curry that night) I run into this beautiful girl!! This is Madison, one of the fellow students who also went to China with me!! |
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| Also got to see this amazing, very interesting show. I really enjoyed most of it! |
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| I just like this picture because I love the flowers. Unfortunately, they are dead and I have to throw them out today. :-( Alas! |
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| trips to the campus starbucks always yields very funny spellings of my name! |
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| real-life actual picture of me falling asleep while hard at work... |
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| And finally, the bird herself! This is the every day look for me. I love beanies. |
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| can we all freak out about the weather?? |
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| my attitude for the rest of the semester. out of my control? don't worry about it. |
