Mackenzie in Mayhem: New Year-- New Blog! Nah, just kidding.

So, uh, happy new years, right?

Maybe this should be a 2015 wrap-up with highlighting pictures, memories, and stuff like that, but to be honest, I'm ready to leave 2015 behind. Suuuuure I had a lot of fun, but for the most part, it was really insane. From another tough spring semester at school, to spending the most stressful (and the most fun) two months as a summer intern in DC, to having another stressful semester at the good ol' UoM, and then a crescendo of what-else-could-go-wrong at the end of the year, capped with a trip to Florida! The reason for my long absence from my blog is that I was simply in such a bad place that I really forgot it existed. Whoops!

I guess I could go through what I've learned in 2015, some of the biggest struggles I've had this year, and some goals I have for 2016.

2015 was a year of change for Mackenzie Clark. I started off the year with an application for The Fund for American Studies, which is an academic internship program in Washington D.C. I remember discovering it almost by accident, through my advisor. I remember listening to Frank Sinatra's "New York" when I wrote my essays for my application. I actually referenced that in a closing letter, which DCInternships was kind enough to use for "#TestimonialTuesday." See below.

But things changed really fast in DC. There were people there who had already graduated and were looking for jobs. People who spent every second studying the city, studying politics, studying the world. I got overwhelmed really fast and fell prey to something called "Imposter Syndrome." If you don't know, it means that you're convinced you're something less than what your achievements are. I got into the same rigorous program as all those other kids, but I quickly felt dwarfed by their knowledge and passion. Between that and my less-than-stellar internship (to be fair, I did learn a lot from it), I was very stressed out. I spent a lot of weekends under the monuments at 2 in the morning with a giant slurpee, trying to figure out my life with a few others.

And it was there, among the mosquitoes and humidity of the District, I made a decision for myself: I was going to do what I wanted, and I was going to try to stop living my life pleasing others.

This had some good and bad effects.

Good effects: super motivated, big plans, big dreams, super positive, good at judging what's good, what's bad, etc.

Bad effects: holy STRESS! WOW! WOW! WOW!

So I skidded from D.C. into Memphis with big ideas, a rough idea for some applications, and a shaky direction I wanted my life to go. I also subjected myself, with fierce positivity, to a very long distance relationship and a head position at a pretty great club at college.

Both of those ended this semester!

So at 17 hours (I say 17 because it sounds impressive-- actually, 2 of those hours were yoga, but it was a more intensive class than you'd realize. Ever try an hour of yoga after an all-nighter?) and a club that was pulling a ton of events, and a boyfriend about a thousand miles away, you can imagine things got... difficult.

While I did make it out of the semester with a great GPA and more or less emotional kind-of-okay, I was suddenly single (I think the reason I was so upset is that for the first time ever, I was dumped. It's really weird when you really, really like someone, and over the course of a few days, things go from all smiles and hearts to "I think no matter what we do, things won't work out ever soooo bye." but enough about that!) and facing a real-life series of unfortunate events (even worse than the live-action movie-- here's to hoping Netflix can fix that) I threw myself into a swirling vortex of happiness projecting outwards in hope that some of it would reflect back, and like a flower in the sun, I could find myself blossoming, even in the winter.

It went pretty well. I was honest with others with how much I was struggling (which, as a perfectionist [I hate calling myself that], is a bit hard) and invited others to join in my positivity. I found a lot of pug pictures, I sent out almost 50 holiday cards to friends near and far, and did some gift exchanges. Before I left school, I met with a therapist (kill the stigma! everyone should go to therapy! it's not a bad thing!) and made plans with her to meet regularly through next semester to make sure I keep my stress levels in check. I'm only signed up for 12 hours (4 classes) next semester. I'm not honors president anymore. I'm making plans to go more places. I want to visit my friends and family more, whether that's at home, Nashville, Knoxville, or Huntsville.

In short, I want to make 2016 even more about doing what I want to do, except this time doing it right. I want to do fewer things with more defined passion. I want to see a bit more of the world, and a bit more of the states. I want to be spontaneous, and viciously chop down the walls of my comfort zone with a two-handed axe named Dreamer.

For so long I've kept my thoughts to myself. This years, it's time to let them out. You know, living is the longest thing you'll ever do. Might as well do it right. I'm not really making any resolutions, but I want to just be happy this year.

Picture time!